I write this under duress, having sat with the Boatmakers (not the Stonecutters) and watched Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
I usually don’t hoo hoo a movie unless I’m morally opposed to it. (Even then, it still might be filmed well.)
This was painful. It was originally in 3D, so baddies, electrical cords, and even drool fly at the screen. Everyone would point to something off camera, right at the audience. Robert Rodriguez wrote it, produced it, even composed the music. He’s the guy that made Spy Kids. Lavapainful: The Movie is like 2 hours of just The Floop stuff and Thumb-Thumbs (because I know you’ve seen Spy Kids) in bright, fluorescent colors. Colors that clash. Colors that grate against your eyes like painful grating-things. My brain actually hurts. It’s like I spent the entire time on the Internet and only made one hyperlink. It’s like when I watch the WB.
I would like to say that I feel bad for George Lopez, but yeah, he’s not Antonio Banderas. He’s not even Cheech Marin. I’m sure that he’s a nice guy and all, but when you spend the majority of the movie as a talking TV with electricity for arms and the other parts as a foppish schoolteacher, it’s….yeah. And then they tried to make it meaningful. And I think David Arquette was getting divorced, but then he got sucked into a tornado.
I think Robert Rodriguez is a 3 year-old. (This is the guy that made Desperado and Sin City? I think not.)
So…I hear it was painful to watch in the original 3D. It was also painful to watch in the comfort of someone’s living room. “…but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner…”
I’m going to go lie down.
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