May 11 2008
An open letter to a motion picture
Dear G.I. Joe,
How’s it going? I know it’s been a while since we talked, so we should probably catch up a bit. I’ll go first. Let’s see, since we last hung out much, I graduated high school. Also, I graduated middle school, elementary school, and got married. So, you can see, it’s been a pretty busy couple decades for me. I know you might be a little upset that I stopped spending time with you- yeah, I know, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Nintendo sort of drew my attention away. Sorry. I was young, and these things happen. I hope you can understand.
So, what have you been up to? Actually, don’t answer that- I already know. Yeah, I heard about the movie. Is this your way of getting back at me? I don’t think this is really a healthy way of dealing with it, man. Seriously, holding a grudge this long just seems wrong. And to get your revenge like this? I just don’t understand.
Yes, yes, I know, we’ve gone our separate ways. But, really, I was kind of hoping that the time apart would be good for both of us. But- well, let’s just say I’ve seen some pictures online and I just don’t think you’re making good choices. Sereiously, G.I. Joe, what’s going on? Dennis Quaid? Since when has associating with either of the Quaid brothers been a good idea? Look at Baroness, too- was that the best you could do? I certainly hope you got a discount on the costume design, since it really just seems like you got the surplus outfits from Underworld, and added a strangely huge belt buckle. And any nerd could tell you what’s wrong with Baroness- she needs totally different glasses. Really, and a Wayans brother? I won’t even start with my questions about casting the kid from Third Rock From the Sun as Cobra Commander.
Okay, I wasn’t too upset about that. Disappointed, sure. I know I made some mistakes in the past, though, and you’re obviously trying to get back at me. I understand that. “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity,” indeed. But now I’m just worried you’re dragging in people who don’t deserve to get hurt. Ray Park? Did he really deserve to get dragged into this? And Christopher Eccleston? Don’t go after Doctor Who, just because you’re mad at me. Seriously, G.I. Joe, now I’m just worried you’re lashing out, and you don’t care who you hurt. That’s just wrong.
Seriously, G.I. Joe, stop and think about what you’re doing. We had some good times, and you’ll always have a special place in my childhood. But don’t destroy that- and hurt other people- just because you’re mad at me. You can be better than that.
Is that Dennis Quaid?
Bwa ha
Nicely done. Sending to Digg.
Surplus of Underworld outfits. You know why Firefly’s Alliance looks like Starship Troopers? Because they are.
[...] Also – did you see the memo to Hollywood from the New York Times? Is it within fair use to rip off Devin? [...]
[...] I know that there’s supposedly some movie with some Semi-American Heroes (or was it Real American Semi-Heroes?) that attempts to explain Cobra Commander as the whiny boy-girl from 3rd Rock from the sun, but I think we’ve made the Bloggh’s stance pretty clear. [...]