Booyor's BLOGgh!

I don’t like fireworks.

Yes, I do understand that with such an un-American statement I’ve now been added to the NSA’s watchlist for possible insurgency, but I’m pretty sure my research for my novel has already tipped off the ATF to my bings.

Wow. Never before had I considered working at the NSA, but their website looks very friendly. Wait a minute. Even Sudoku bugs me. Nevermind. But now that I’ve linked to their site, the NSA is now bugging me. [rimshot]

The thing with fireworks is that you have to wait around in the heat for a very long time for only 15 minutes worth of entertainment. In many ways it has a Disneyland thing going on, but without all of the clacking animatronics and Hungry Bear burgers.

So, if you are like me and detest axilla overload of the apocrine glands, here are some tips to avoid thinking about what kind of sweaty beast you have become.

1. Play the Patriot Name Game – Start with the name of someone from U.S. History. The next person in your group has to name another famous American, but the first name has to start with the beginning letter of the previous person’s last name. Example:
   

   Aaron Burr
   Benjamin Franklin
   Franklin Delano Roosevelt

2. Patriotize your phone – Download a free, open source work and transfer it to your phone. Consider reading Common Sense by Thomas Paine. It’s a pamphlet he wrote that helped fuel the U.S. revolution. His famous words (“Taxation? Not cool!! Let’s hang out.“) have been passed down through generations.
3. See how much of the Revolutionary War you can re-enact from memory – You can use this as a starting point:
   
   Language advisory: Dad watch it, Mom don’t.
4. Re-enact dialogue from the movie Independence Day – I fear that this is a more realistic expectation.
5. Filibuster
6. Plan an exit strategy in case fire falls from the sky.
7. Think about what this celebration would look like in the future – in space?
8. Pray for people who don’t have freedom like you do – but don’t feel guilty for the freedom you have. Use that freedom! Get creative.
9. Play E Pluribus Unum – Here are the steps:
   Hand jive twice.
   
   Throw.
   When you throw, check to see who wins.
   
   George Washington beats Abraham Lincoln by coming first.
   
   Abraham Lincoln’s respectable reputation beats Richard Nixon.
   
   Richard Nixon beats George Washington by being an icon for a jaded generation.
   One historical variant is that Arthur Fonzarelli trumps all.
   
   Fonzie’s been cloned!
   You can also throw Spock into the mix for some added enjoyment.
   Kids in other countries play jan-ken-pon.

   Elephant crushes human, human crushes ant, and ant kills elephant by entering its trunk.

   Check out the Ultimate Chart as a reference:
   

No matter how you celebrate, whether seeing fireworks live or via PBS:

Happy Independence Day!

(Why do fireworks have to start so much later than bedtime?)

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