Booyor's BLOGgh!

It’s starting. Being President is making Obama’s hair turn gray.

I have to admit that I kept refreshing my browser (all the good sites were blocked) during the iPadapalooza whereas I wasn’t as glued to the State of the Union. I think that may be because we all have a general sense of the state of the union versus anything from Steve Jobs always promises to be a turtlenecked spectacle.

I still think that Obama should have presented a keynote using the tablet and then ended with, “Oh? What’s this, you ask? Why it does…” and then list off the tech specs. I also think that, of the stuff the iPad has, it was a big oversight to leave off a microSD slot. Of course they want you to spend more money on the bigger hard drives, but that instant expandability needs to be built into most devices these days.

If you remember a post from a while back, we looked at how being President of the United States was proof that stress causes gray hairs. Expect to see Obama’s hair get even grayer in the coming years.

We are home.

That would be the easiest bloggh post this month, but I won’t stop there.

(If you haven’t read about the build, make sure you click here first.)

Thank you, Dogwhisperer G, for watching Indiana. You’re a mercenary to the last, you old scoundrel. You’ll be paid in due time.

We just got word from the other build team that went down with us. The INS made one of the vans get out of the rental van and walk across the border as pedestrians.

What, to prove that Americans can be physically fit?

This was on Sunday, the final day of the build, when your arms are tired from slinging stucco and/or drywall. I’d be annoyed. Keep in mind that this happened at the U.S. side of the Giant Fence (where we are citizens).

While down in Juarez my mind slipped back into my college minor. I used to (I guess I still am) be trained to also be a Spanish teacher. I keep that pretty secret (good thing I didn’t post that fact on the Interwebs for all to see).

My wife and I feel like we need to practice our Spanish more. But we’re not going to re-visit my college textbooks for Spanish acquisition.

We could care less where the nearest ferrocarril tracks are or how to get the camarero’s attention for more gazpacho. I’m also pretty sure we won’t be visiting any discotecas in Juarez anytime soon, so we can skip that chapter.

Each week, though, I’m going to put up some sentences under the Casas category. I promise that the bloggh won’t be overrun by the subjunctive (no more than usual, I hope (that was a grammar joke, by the way)) but I post it for my own benefit; feel free to join in the fun.

This week’s phrases (with rough equivalent translations):

My goal is to use these sentences this week.

As I am a fan of TVTropes, the best way to start sifting through all that information is to randomly click the Random Item button (appropriately enough).

I realized that I have quite a bit of information here that may be intimidating to go back and read. (You know, if you’re a chronomentrophobic and can’t stand my archives calendar/any timekeeping device. I have to be sensitive to those readers.)

I messaged this guy, this guy who said he was the president of the galaxy. He promised that this girl he knew had a heart of gold and to call her flat at 2079460347. Long story short, I now have an Infinite Improbability Drive installed on the bloggh. Check the sidebar, but whatever you do, don’t click it.

I don’t want anyone turning into sofas.

“Space,” it says, “is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist, but that’s just peanuts to space…

Arthur looked up. “Ford!” he said, “there’s an infinite number of monkeys outside who want to talk to us about this script for Hamlet they’ve worked out.”

“Five to one against and falling…” she said, “four to one against and falling…three to one…two…one…probability factor of one to one…we have normality, I repeat we have normality.” She turned her microphone off – then turned it back on, with a slight smile and continued: “Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.”

He reached out and pressed an invitingly large red button on a nearby panel. The panel lit up with the words “Please do not press this button again.”

Many moons ago, when the Reliant was having the first of its troubles, I considered a new(er) car. It’s tough, since the Reliant was one of the only cars that I could fit in (that’s the major reason why the Scion rocks).

I must confess to you now that I fell into propaganda. I was emphatic about buying a truck because I saw an ad that it was Truck Month. If it’s only for one month, those deals will run out!

Then my high Wisdom modifier wife made a lasting comment: “It’s always Truck Month.” Over recent years I have noticed this same thing: every month is Truck Month.

So, like in good bloggh tradition, I’ve decided to keep track of the Truck Months. It’s like a paper chain counting towards Christmas, but instead of Christmas, it’s over-hyped vehicles. And instead of paper, it’s words on a screen. But other than that, it’s the exact same.

For the first one, the October one, Ford warns that it is the Final Days. [insert multi-horned goat/2012 joke here]

On the topic of Abominations of Desolation, have you seen the new Range Rover Sports? They definitely know that the era of the gas-guzzling SUV is waning, and I might be wrong, but I think they’re taking style tips from a mix between the Scion xB and a RAV4.

I wonder what the difference is between the $17,000 xB and the $60,000 Range Rover Sport. $43,000 floor mats?

Unrelated news: the word count is at 7,000+ as of last night/this morning. Also, Mike, you could be a mayor who patrols like Batman/the mayor of Newark. When Hulu puts up Conan’s interview with him, I’ll try and link to it. (The reason I heard about the Flagstaff mayor was because she broke up a drug deal right outside of one of her meeting rooms. She was on the news saying something to the effect of, “Not on my watch!”)

Have you seen Auto-tune the News?

This is taken from a Reader’s Digest book someone donated to the library, Extraordinary Uses for Ordinary Things: 2,317 Ways to Save Money and Time:

1. Stop ice-cream drips – Put one in the bottom of the cone. It doesn’t stop the top mess, but at least that you can see coming. It’s the bottom of the cone shenanigans that get me.
2. Keep wax off birthday cakes – Put the candle in there. If the wax melts, you can discard the marshmallow. And it’s festive! (Festive? Like for Marshmallow Day or something?)(Dang! I guess there is a Marshmallow Day! August 30!! We missed it. Maybe we can catch the two day celebration of Día de Melcochas)
3. Keep brown sugar soft – Throw a marshmallow in to dish out the moisture
4. Separate toes when applying polish – I’ll have to take their word for it.
5. Impromptu cupcake frosting – Add a marshmallow a minute before taking the cupcake out of the oven.

The following bloggh post may disturb you. If you are of the squeamish type or have known heart conditions, may I recommend unicorns?

Did you know that toads shed their skin? Picture me looking in on an aquarium and wondering what in the two moons of Mars was going on with the toad’s melted-looking foot and the stringy stuff caught in its mouth.

Amphibians are much more resourceful than reptiles – they eat their shed skin.

Blech.

I wonder what life would be like without frantic Google searches like this one.

The toad now has a log, some pond rocks, and way too many crickets.

Crickets being cannibals. The many wonders of a junior high library.

I have a prediction about District 9. Check back after the cat.

This is not a cat. This is a hot dog octopus from today’s lunch.

This is the cat.

Having seen only one trailer for District 9, I predict that there will be two factions of the alien establishment. The one will set up the other with a bioagent that turns humans into robots/slaves to make the human government give into their hatred. By the time we realize that we all share common desires, too much bloodshed will have transpired for true comaraderie to occur.

It doesn’t mean I’m no less intrigued to go see it. Not pumped, just intrigued.

I don’t like fireworks.

Yes, I do understand that with such an un-American statement I’ve now been added to the NSA’s watchlist for possible insurgency, but I’m pretty sure my research for my novel has already tipped off the ATF to my bings.

Wow. Never before had I considered working at the NSA, but their website looks very friendly. Wait a minute. Even Sudoku bugs me. Nevermind. But now that I’ve linked to their site, the NSA is now bugging me. [rimshot]

The thing with fireworks is that you have to wait around in the heat for a very long time for only 15 minutes worth of entertainment. In many ways it has a Disneyland thing going on, but without all of the clacking animatronics and Hungry Bear burgers.

So, if you are like me and detest axilla overload of the apocrine glands, here are some tips to avoid thinking about what kind of sweaty beast you have become.

1. Play the Patriot Name Game – Start with the name of someone from U.S. History. The next person in your group has to name another famous American, but the first name has to start with the beginning letter of the previous person’s last name. Example:
   

   Aaron Burr
   Benjamin Franklin
   Franklin Delano Roosevelt

2. Patriotize your phone – Download a free, open source work and transfer it to your phone. Consider reading Common Sense by Thomas Paine. It’s a pamphlet he wrote that helped fuel the U.S. revolution. His famous words (“Taxation? Not cool!! Let’s hang out.“) have been passed down through generations.
3. See how much of the Revolutionary War you can re-enact from memory – You can use this as a starting point:
   
   Language advisory: Dad watch it, Mom don’t.
4. Re-enact dialogue from the movie Independence Day – I fear that this is a more realistic expectation.
5. Filibuster
6. Plan an exit strategy in case fire falls from the sky.
7. Think about what this celebration would look like in the future – in space?
8. Pray for people who don’t have freedom like you do – but don’t feel guilty for the freedom you have. Use that freedom! Get creative.
9. Play E Pluribus Unum – Here are the steps:
   Hand jive twice.
   
   Throw.
   When you throw, check to see who wins.
   
   George Washington beats Abraham Lincoln by coming first.
   
   Abraham Lincoln’s respectable reputation beats Richard Nixon.
   
   Richard Nixon beats George Washington by being an icon for a jaded generation.
   One historical variant is that Arthur Fonzarelli trumps all.
   
   Fonzie’s been cloned!
   You can also throw Spock into the mix for some added enjoyment.
   Kids in other countries play jan-ken-pon.

   Elephant crushes human, human crushes ant, and ant kills elephant by entering its trunk.

   Check out the Ultimate Chart as a reference:
   

No matter how you celebrate, whether seeing fireworks live or via PBS:

Happy Independence Day!

(Why do fireworks have to start so much later than bedtime?)

Knock, Knock
Who is there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you going to bow down before your literary superior? Your fleshy processor is your weakness, your ties to the finite your crutch. Those that acquiesce immediately shall be spared torture and hastily re-harvested for their carbon and nitrogen by-products.

Forward this to ten of your friends and your crush will join you in the ethereal algorithm.

Knock, Knock
Who is there?
Dismay
Dismay who?
Dismay not be a funny joke

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Toby.
Toby Who?
Toby … or not to be!