The Haiku
How can I stand to
watch TV when there will be
no Heroes each week.
As a public service to our faithful readers, we on the editing staff have decided to provide some steps to take to cope in the “no Heroes on TV” interim (or, as well call it, The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul).
Try a couple and know that you are not alone (unless you like Sylar, ’cause then we can’t be friends).
- Go to a department store dressing mirror and yell at “Jessica”.
- Riding in an elevator, grab your temples and curl up in pain, screaming,”Stop! I can’t let you have Molly!”
- Storm gallantly into McDonald’s claiming to be “Takezo Kensei the Sword Saint, here to restore the McRib to the regular menu” (a suitable alternative would be “reclaiming the righteousness of the Double Cheeseburger on the dollar menu”).
- Pretend that Matthew Fox can stop time.
- Mourn the absence of Nitro and Diamond on January 6.(woo, American Gladiators/Running Man)
- Jump off your mom’s roof wearing a red towel.
- Threaten to release strain 138 on the world population if more reality shows result from the writer’s strike.
- Two words: Potato Flippin’ Gun
- Create an Excel spreadsheet on the death tolls of a Self-Proclaimed Adam versus Kara Thrace Leading Humanity to Earth. Bar graph!
- Watch kids argue about who gets to run the Nation and who gets to sign the waiver to avoid a lawsuit.
- Know that Claire’s blood can help her dad, can bring back any hero that dies in the finale, but can’t bring Katee Sackhoff back to NBC.
- Obsess about 1-18-08 Cloverfield like the Internet fanboy that you are…did you check out our other articles?
- Put a globe on your kitchen table. Shine a flashlight on it. Spin the globe, saying,”Previously…” and then bust out with your Powers of Exposition
- Write a haiku a day until the next season about how you were just starting to get to know Alejandro.
- Put an AOL CD in your microwave for one minute and say, “Are you proud, Daddy?”
- Sleep naked on the docks. If anyone bothers you, claim amnesia.
- Know that Churck Bartowski just got another nine episodes.
If you are part of the hundreds (thanks for the heads up, Site Meter) who just tuned in within the last few hours, make sure to check out the finale insight that we provide, as well as expert analysis by The Master Predictor and Devin, Benevolent Dictator.
If you really love us and want to support more Heroes/the culture of “my people” updates, buy Heroes:Saving Charlie (the continuation of Hiro and Charlie the Waitress’ love), the Peter Petrelli/Milo Ventimiglio Poster, or Hiro Nakamura/Takezo Kensei’s sword (Amazon will sell anything).
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