In the course of entertainment, it becomes self-evident that power must be held by the few or the one – that one being myself. With your investment, I plan to offer programming that the masses will enjoy, the masses that many have chosen to exploit. The fire of Leno has gone out of the universe. We, a new entertainment order, will terminate the other networks. Immediately. All will be made right in the galaxy by instilling peace through might.
You don’t know how hard I found it, signing the order to terminate them. NBC was charming to the last. But lying to us about the time slot location of Conan O’Brien was inexcusable. Perhaps they will respond to an alternative form of persuasion.
Please consider helping us bring Conan O’Brien to Late Night for good. With our prospective network, the regional broadcasters would have direct control over their territories. Air Conan O’Brien at a time slot that he deserves. Join us – or die.
Thank you for your time and interest,
Wilhuff Tarkin
Grand Moff of Marketing and Sales
For more questionable reporting, check out how some news sites are running the the headline ‘911 Called at the Tiger Woods Residence’ only to find out it’s his mother-in-law with stomach problems. William Randolph Hearst salutes you.
In a shocking news release yesterday, the EPA told reporters that greenhouse gases could kill human beings.
This is very unnerving, indeed, considering how greenhouse gases have only received praise from the media. This tarnishes the impeccable reputation previously sustained by greenhouse gases, putting them in the same league as kilohertz and Niehls Bohr for scary-sounding science vocabulary.
One neighbor was quoted as saying, “I don’t think any of us could see it coming. Greenhouse gases were always such good neighbors. They were quiet and kept to themselves. It’s a real shame, if you ask me.”
In other news, Richard Branson, winner of The Bloggh’s 2008 Beardiest Billionaire Award, finally made it possible for people with lots of money to escape the confines of Earth and rise above their tortured existence of having lots of money and getting what they want. I’m glad their dreams can finally be fulfilled.
In keeping with VSS Enterprise tradition, Branson gave a Shatner-esque double thumbs-up, called a spaceship sexy, and put a picture of a woman in tights on the hull.
I find it ironic that no one has mentioned Babe Ruth’s Groundhog Day scandal.
Perhaps posterity forgives you for living the same day over and over again, doing mainly batting practice and hooking up with Andie McDowell.
Gavin is in the land of kangaroos and Master Blaster and found this wonderful piece of evidence engraved near the HarbourBridge (Google Maps 1, Bing 0 (better angle)).
I love Improv Everywhere. Check out their latest stunt here. Now look at what happens when a news station does its normal “business as usual” but isn’t aware of just how Internet savvy the group is.
My friend is a chaplain in the military and needs some resources as he counsels soldiers.
Here's what the soldiers are asking for.
You'll need to enter his address:
Chaplain (CPT) Vincent Garcia
Battalion Chaplain
40th Expeditionary Signal Battalion
APO AE 09342