Booyor's BLOGgh!

Yes, @sidewalkdriver, I stole your title. (I think the title’s funny, if that’s any justification.)

My brain hurts. I was subjected to the district’s version of Chuck conditioning. (My wife spent the afternoon researching Phillip Glass songs, so my YouTube recommended videos are quite interesting. Let’s just say I spared you some trouble.)

The Clockwork Orange known as Bus Training involved a very long video reminiscent of Driver’s Ed – except now a voice kept repeating, “It’s all your fault!” as I watched buses get repeatedly slammed by trains and semis, buses running over pedestrians, and kids being extracted from the wreckage.

I watched this in the lobby while the rest of the already-trained bus drivers drank coffee before going to their routes.

The second video wasn’t too bad – 22 minutes (I checked the VCR (that I helped set up)) worth of information about proper mirror adjustments. When you’ve got that many convex lenses to align, it makes sense.

I did get to do behind the wheel, complete with pulling that lever to swing open the door. My instructor asked if I could turn on the air conditioning. I felt like I was fumbling for the hyperdrive switch as I made my way around a couple miles worth of suburbia.

When we returned to the Bus Barn (actual name) the buses were returning from their route. These drivers have done this so many times, it’s a synchronized ballet of giant metal transports sliding perfectly into their spots – backwards!! – without any hesitation. I expect that Stanley Kubrick directed today’s routine.

Then it was my turn. Buses waited for me as I looped around, swung the bus left and right, pulled forward, pulled back, pulled forward again, pulled forward more, was warned that the mirrors stick out farther than they look, slowed down, and finally completed some reasonable facsimile of a parking job.

Anyone who has spent a decent amount of time with me can agree on two facts:

1. Parking is an unnecessary detail in my mind.
2. I move the seat back very far.

A bonus to the bus? Lots of head room.

I have a lot of respect for bus drivers. I wish I could have chatted about this with my grandpas, both being masters of heavy vehicles. Kids, don’t act stupid on buses. There are way too many blind spots (like giant metal panels) – not to mention the video clip where the kid followed his frisbee under the bus will stay with me for a while.

You know when you work out for a while, like riding a bike at a fast pace for an extended period of time? Or running with weights on your ankles? When you take off the weights (Harrison Bergeron, anyone?) it takes very little effort to move, almost like you’re flying. That’s what it felt like driving the Scion out of the Bus Barn.

After an exhausting, impromptu training (I found out today I have too many students for the school van), I can officially drive…the short bus. Yes, it has been mocked before, but it is MY short bus and I am very defensive of it.

I signed an agreement that I would drive defensively.

(Pictures hopefully tomorrow.)

Many moons ago, when the Reliant was having the first of its troubles, I considered a new(er) car. It’s tough, since the Reliant was one of the only cars that I could fit in (that’s the major reason why the Scion rocks).

I must confess to you now that I fell into propaganda. I was emphatic about buying a truck because I saw an ad that it was Truck Month. If it’s only for one month, those deals will run out!

Then my high Wisdom modifier wife made a lasting comment: “It’s always Truck Month.” Over recent years I have noticed this same thing: every month is Truck Month.

So, like in good bloggh tradition, I’ve decided to keep track of the Truck Months. It’s like a paper chain counting towards Christmas, but instead of Christmas, it’s over-hyped vehicles. And instead of paper, it’s words on a screen. But other than that, it’s the exact same.

For the first one, the October one, Ford warns that it is the Final Days. [insert multi-horned goat/2012 joke here]

On the topic of Abominations of Desolation, have you seen the new Range Rover Sports? They definitely know that the era of the gas-guzzling SUV is waning, and I might be wrong, but I think they’re taking style tips from a mix between the Scion xB and a RAV4.

I wonder what the difference is between the $17,000 xB and the $60,000 Range Rover Sport. $43,000 floor mats?

Unrelated news: the word count is at 7,000+ as of last night/this morning. Also, Mike, you could be a mayor who patrols like Batman/the mayor of Newark. When Hulu puts up Conan’s interview with him, I’ll try and link to it. (The reason I heard about the Flagstaff mayor was because she broke up a drug deal right outside of one of her meeting rooms. She was on the news saying something to the effect of, “Not on my watch!”)

Have you seen Auto-tune the News?

1. Mr. Roboto – I would like to say that I always knew that this song would be involved in a wedding shootout, but that would just be ridiculous. We knew Jeffster would be back, but we didn’t know that they would make such a…bang. I would love to #savechuck, but if they’re done, what a way to go.
   
   
2. The Rocky Road to Dublin – Imagine all peaceful on a nice path and then highwaymen show up – swords/dueling daggers are drawn and whiskey jugs are tossed as people go madly spinning.

   Also of note – best use of the word shillelagh in a song.
   

3. In the Hall of the Mountain King – This one has always beat out “O, Fortuna” and “Night on Bald Mountain” for me, especially when performed by a German hair band string ensemble:
   
4. Duel of the Fates/Battle of the Heroes – Every time I hear “Duel of the Fates” I have to scream “No!!!” at the killing of Rob Roy and every time I hear “Battle of the Heroes”, I tear up a little. (I do that when Obi-Wan dies and tells Luke to run, but that’s more of a death scene than a fight scene.)
   
5. Into the Trap – Every time I think of space combat, this enters my brain. To be honest, every time I pull the Scion out of the driveway, this enters my brain. And when I merge in traffic, and when I…
6. That Lobby Fight Song from the Matrix – as much as the Matrix has been over-hyped (we’ll forget that there were any sequels) I have to admit that when we saw this in college, we immediately jumped around the theater while leaving like we were in bullet time.
   
   Although in Bollywood, the hero doesn’t need anyone else’s help:
   
   Were my wife and I the only ones to watch Kung Pow!: The Movie?

I know that I’ve left some off – with all of the big summer blockbusters in May and beyond, I’m sure you can think of some more.

Worthy of mention is Chief Wiggum’s Sunshine and Lollipops, but I classify that as more of a chase scene.

Caution: This post is a treasure trove of marshmallowy goodness, just like this awesome VCR hack.

The Holmes Part
I’m researching the history and motivation behind the creation of Professor Moriarty. He’s been showing up every ten chapters in Vanguard, doing his supervillain thing (being one of the first supervillains).

But have you heard of Adam Worth?

This is the original “Napoleon of Crime” that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle may have used as a reference point. Worth had been marked accidentally as killed in action in the Civil War. Having no identity, he floated from regiment to regiment earning sign-up bonuses and then leaving. He then took his earnings to Boston, coordinated a pickpocket ring, and then took the show over seas for bigger heists.

Having exhausted Tchaikovsky for the moment, I’ve been listening extensively to Johnny Cash. I don’t know if that can coexist in the Scion, but we haven’t had a matter/anti-matter baryogenetic explosion yet, so I think we’re cool.

So now, as I’m typing chapter 50 of Vanguard (remember: short, James Patterson-esque chapters), I wish I had Ghost Riders in the Sky or Folsom Prison Blues playing through my head as The Hessian Horseman tears apart Wilbur Gloaming Junior High.

Nope. Oh What A Dream. D’oh. (At least it’s not Ghost Chickens in the Sky.)

The Star Wars Part
Sadly, I’ve actually wanted to see this happen to Donald for a long time:

It’s better than if I wanted to see Minnie in a Slave Leia bikini. Oh, wait. I guess some guy at Disney thinks that’s important. Check out the figurines. The crazy part? Think limited edition Star Wars collectible. Now add a Disney character into the equation:

f(How much you’ll pay) = (Ability to name Ellorrs Madak)^{Number of Mickey shirts worn this year}

The math is staggering.

We are now at the hotel, back from the food court. Earlier we were watching documentaries on the Mobility Denial System and the Death Star black hole. Now we are resting for the big Casas build starting tomorrow.

And by the way…my phone rocks. And the Torrent that my dad is loaning us is pretty cool, too. Dad, did you know that you have an AUX port where you can play music from an iPod/phone over the stereo system. I swear Pontiac must share some factory space with Scion. (I miss my Scion. It’s weird how over the course of a few days I am really humbled about a ding in the car.)

Torrent at Wilcox:

Torrent at Deming:

And on top of the weird goings-on, check out what one of our budding Sherwood Forest thieves did at school:

I want to see the Father on distant shores.

I must admit that at first I was only going to discuss the current reading level of the bloggh:

At first I was going to petition for the current practitioners of jurisprudence who follow the bloggh to contribute articles (Dad and Josh, you can still add your thoughts) but then I realized that I have a William Tyndale “English ploughman” thing going on. (Have you seen Google’s timeline results? Very cool.) (So, that High School badge? It’s not dynamic. You shall not get sidebar placement.)

Tonight I was at Fry’s picking up the necessities for taking care of a sick baby. I was sitting in the Scion when an elementary school kid in the truck parked next to me slammed his door into the side of the car. I did get out quickly to check the scratch but pulled back when I realized what a 6′9″ scowling Hairyman must look like to the poor kid.

Now imagine my encounter with humility as a mom with two young kids is sobbing as she gets them into her car. She’s got the scarf and look of a chemotherapy patient. As she’s crying, I’m thinking, “Do I treat her kids to Baskin Robbins? I have to get home. Should I go get them dinner?” While my brain is in discourse, I watch as a group of women from all walks/sedans/SUVs of life, including a cashier in full uniform, come support this woman and comfort her. People surprise me. (To feel like you were in the Scion with me, check out what I was listening to.)

Think about all of the heartache that we see/endure/cause during the course of one day. Opportunities.

Also:
I was glad to hear from The Cannon (our stand-up comedian/puppeteer friend)(re-printed in case you missed the e-mail):

Either gender is welcome. Yesterday I got two tickets to go see Tim and Eric (a hilarious comedy duo) for Sun. January 18th 7:30pm. And, then afterward I wish to go see a weird circus sideshow act at the Trunk Space. It’ll be an all expenses paid trip to wacky fun land. The first response I get is the person I take with me on this grand adventure.

Wacky fun land is, in fact, truth in advertising. Any takers?

And Israel/Gaza/Puppy breaks it all down nicely:

I do not lament my current lifestage. I used to party hop on this, the official party-hopping night. If you invited me to go somewhere tonight, thank you. I enjoy those invitations. This year, we’re doing something earth-shaking.

We’re taking things easy. (This is earth-shaking for my family.)

Instead of being annoyed at cranky dad and cranky kids, my kids are going to sleep in their own beds at their regular bed times. We’re swinging by my in-laws to see family from Montana and that’s about it. If you’re not doing this, that’s okay. This is an experiment for me. I shall take you along on this experiment.

I present to you some options:

1. Howard the Duck – I say this at the beginning as a back up if all others fail. I mean, it’s a movie executive produced by George Lucas starring Lea Thompson (of Back to the Future) and Tim Robbins (of Shawshank Redemption). How bad could it be?
2. Check out the streaming video from EarthCam. Times Square, brought to your computer. You can also choose from 13 different still cams (as well as updating pictures from around the U.S. and parts of the world), and not once do you have to watch Brittney Spears, the Jonas Brothers, Ryan Seacrest or Fallout Boy if you don’t want to. Do they have a Dick Clark camera? Even though his robotic joints are being modded this week, I still want to make sure he’s okay.
3. If you’re like me and lived life instead of watching TV, now you can catch up on 24: Redemption.
4. Have you met the new ball?
   
   Should be pretty. You can also check the schedule of events to pretend like you’re in Times Square and see what the networks don’t think you want to see.

Compare it to EarthCam’s coverage.

Proof that we love our sister-in-law as we plan for her wedding reception:

You should have seen the neighbors’ reactions when the back of the Scion opened up. All stereotypes perplexingly thrown out the window.
But to repeat, for the sanity of grandparents, this is for the sister-in-law’s wedding reception and in no way related to New Year’s.

I did have to document the most amount of alcohol I’ve ever possessed. Substitute this for Vanilla Mocha Rockstar and a box of Hot Pockets and then we must question my temperance.

Mortar and Pestle for the win!

Argh! The senile Tortimer would only give me one party popper. My wife just got seven.

I didn’t vote for you, shell-for-brains.

Updates as they show up through the day/night/day.

Click here for the video.

Every time you hear a cacophony of metal hitting metal in the video, that is J and I “cheering” with strained voices.

Also, the Scion has a feature that rocks. Some readers may view it as archaic, but I view it as borderline arcane: the exclamation point. When ! shows up, it is necessary to check tire pressure. 35 psi for the front, 32 psi for the back. This is in the comparison to the, “Eh, looks alright. Maybe fill up that other side a bit more, now that I see it” that the Reliant inspired.